# Ah
# Don't let them go
# Take a beautiful dream and let it show
# Don't let them go
# Take a beautiful dream and let it glow
# Glow, glow, glow, glow
# Na na na na na... #
This programme contains some strong language
Your windows are, like...
..totally awesome.
So, you worked in the States, right?
Right. Barney's, New York.Awesome!
So which part of America are you from?
Oh, stop shitting me!
You seriously think I'm from the States and stuff?
Well, your accent...
You're totally gonna freak, but I'm so from Neasden.
You think I sound American?
Well, I think the two vocabularies are kind of merging, I guess.
I'm totally gonna LOL about that.
ROFL, even.
HE MOUTHS
So, what makes you want to hop over to this side of the pond and stuff?
Well. I've done two years now at Barney's, doing the windows.
That's so cool.
And I guess I want to think bigger. Simon...
..When you want something, dude, do you like...
totally go out and make sure you get it?
'Now, let me think.'
When I was 14, the whole country was obsessed with...
TV:And now on BBC One...
'..Ground Force.'
(CHANTING) # Bring on the Dimmock! #
CLAPPING AND BARKING
# Get your Dimmocks out for the lads! #
KLAXON
Overnight, everyone became green-fingered.
Previously ignored back passageways were rejuvenated with decking,
tea lights, ivy-strewn trellises.
Or should that be trelli?
So it's no wonder that I decided
that the only thingthat could make my life complete was...
A water feature. A what?
No, not a what.
A water feature.
I find the sound of trickling water soothing.
Really? Just makes me want to go wee.
I find weeing soothing.
I'm like that with sniffing glue. Uhhh.
So, what do you say, Mater?
Oh, Simon! Don't get in the way when I'm exercising.
What is she wearing?!
'Come on!'
Yashmak and burka!
Oh, is it that Muslim keep-fit lady? Fit Farka?
She's got really beguiling eyes.
'This next one's the one I call "Let me into the mosque!"
'So come on!
'Batter those doors down!'
We don't really have the money for a water feature. Not at the moment.
Quelle surprise(!)
Auntie Hayley, what are you doing?
What does it look like she's doing?
Yeah, Simon, what are you, blind? Whoo!
Oh! That was my face!
Sorry. We are planting out some perky pansies.
This bra is really cutting into me.
Too much information, sweetie!
What's so brilliant about a bloody water feature anyway?
Charlie Dimmock swears by them.
What does she do? Stand next to 'em and shout "Twat"? Wooh!
There were certain women in life
to whom my mother took an instant dislike.
This is for being a milk snatcher, Thatcher.
'A certain ex-prime minister...
This is for the miners.
'..For the effect she had on...'
This is for Clause 28.
' ..well, everything.
180!
'And Charlie Dimmock...'
He'd want to see Charlie wrestling these old pipes out of the ground.
'..For the effect she had on my father.
Oh, get over it, Debbie!
No, she is. She's a VDL. Very dirty lady.
What? Just cos she doesn't wear a bra?
Oh, she walks around with 'em bangin' about
like two space hoppers. It's obscene, Hayls.
Thank God on this occasion you ain't got eyes,
cos they're a sight for sore ones, I'm telling you.
Maybe she's a lesbian?
Why d'you say that, lover?
Well, when I was at Greenham, we very rarely bothered with bras.
You very rarely bothered with personal hygiene, Hayls.
Or razors, let's be honest.
Still say Dimmock's a dyke.
I don't think she bows at the altar of the Lesbeterian Church.
She's got too much of a twinkle for Alan Titchmarsh.Ew.
Simon? Debbie? Come out and have a look at this!
Talking of bras, I need a new one.
I think I've gone up a size.
You often do during the menopause.
Cheeky bitch!
What's that?Wait a sec.
Here, film this.Why?
Well, if something goes wrong, we can send it to Lisa Riley.
You've Been Framed?
Ta-da!
Well, you said you wanted a water feature.I meant a proper one.
One you'd buy.
From a shop.
You don't like it?No.
Possibly because it's complete and utter shit.
Hey, you cheeky little bastard!
I sweated...minutes... working over this!
Jeez! I can't get over you, Simon!
Try a stepladder, love!
Look at my face! I'm the epitome of misery!
'And indeed I was. So much so that...
'my headmistress decided I needed counselling.'
I'm not being funny, but you look really fricked off about something.
'Miss Perrin was one of those teachers
'who thought she was down with the kids if she pseudo-swore.
'In fact, it just made me loathe her even more.'
You've got a grid on you like a slapped backside, Si, lar.
Lighten up, kid! Frick the frown off!
Flog your golly and smile.
'If Miss Perrin fancied herself as a counsellor,
'something told me she hadn't grasped the basics.'
And how would you feel...
if you had to come to this school?
Surrounded by senseless oiks and latter-day thugs,
festooned head to toe in man-made fibres.
It takes every last drop of energy to get through the day,
never mind with a bloody smile on my face, woman!
I'm not being funny, but can you try and think of something
that'd make you, well, happy?
No.Try!
Jesus!
I'd really like it...
..if the first lady of musical theatre, Elaine Paige, taught here
and asked me to do a duet with her on No More Tears?
KNOCKING
'And as if by magic...'
Oh, Simon!
# It's raining, it's pouring
# My love life is boring
# Me to tears
# After all these years
# No sunshine, no moonlight
# No stardust, no sign of romance
# We don't stand a chance
BOTH: # Enough is enough is enough
# I can't go on, I can't go on
# No more, no
# Enough is enough is enough
# I want him out
# I want him out that door now... #
Enough is enough!
Or failing that, I suppose what would really make me happy is...
..a water feature.
Simon...
I know you're different from the other boys here.
Your award-winning collage of Carol Vorderman
made completely from sequins is testament to that.
But there is no reason why you shouldn't be as happy as everyone else.
ALARM BELL RINGS
Your time's up, love. Shut the door on your way out.
'Maybe she would make a good therapist.'
But I've not finished.
I'm not being funny, Simon,
but you're starting to get on my tits now.
Think of your water feature. Go out and get it.
Now...
..I need to crack on with me decking.
# La mer... #
'If the onus on buying a water featurewas going to be on me,
'then there was only one thing for it.
'Kylie and I would lie about our ages and take Saturday jobs.'
My name is Monsieur Antoine,
and you will work in my high-class fashion boutique ever-ery Saturday
from ten o'clock du matin jusqu'a six o'clock du...
pas matin.
Yes, Monsieur Antoine.
J'habite a cote de la boulangerie, Monsieur Antoine.
Le weekend.
'We had to keep the Saturday jobs a secret from my mum,
'because Saturday jobs were one of her many "pet hates".'
Hello and welcome to God I Really Hate That! with me, Debbie Doonan.
And me, Andy Doonan.
What's been getting on your tits this week, Debs?
Andy, I tell you what's really been getting on my goat,
and that is Saturday jobs.
Saturday jobs?Do me a favour! It's more like slave labour!
Here we go!
Children should be out in the countryside getting air in their lungs.
Anyone who denies them that is little more than a paedophilly.
Phile. Paedophile. She gets it mixed up with Caerphilly cheese.
Well, I know which one I'd rather spread on my toast!
No, but seriously, if you're watching this, Simon...
Simon's our son, he's great.
..toying with the idea of a Saturday job, the simple answer is...
BOTH: Don't!
No, it's brilliant, I love it.
What's that, Reba? Group sex with a gang of strangers? Slut!
No, this new exercise class I go to.
I don't need no classes, Reba.
Not now I've got my new Fat Farka video, thank you very much.
Fit Farka.Oh, thanks, love.
It's based around a popular dance craze.
The Macarena?The Frug?
The Slosh.
They've based a new exercise craze around the Slosh?
Slosh-A-Cise. I'm addicted.
And the bloke what runs it, Tiger.
I'd love to get that tiger in me tank!Hm, fit?
He really is a fit farka. How fit are we talking?
Hm. If he was an old movie star, he'd be like Gary Cooper.
If he was a '70s sitcom star, would he be Gary Coleman?
What you talkin' about, Debbie? George Clooney?Rosemary Clooney?
More like George Michael. Or Michael Douglas?
Douglas Fairbanks Junior? Junior who sang Mama Used To Say?
He's kinda like all of them rolled into one.ALL: Oh.
You could do with losing some weight, Hayls.
I mean, you said yourself your boobs have expanded.
A lot of people are staring at you, mouthing "Porky Pig".
That woman's gonna throw a stone at you.
Ah!Duck!
Ow, that hurt!
All right, you leave her alone, just because she's a bit porksy.
Porksy?! I'm gonna take you to Slosh-A-Cise.
When's the class, Reba? I'm going there now.
Come on, Hayls, not a moment to lose.But I'm not dressed for it.
There's no time to change, Hayley.
God! Stop looking for get-out clauses all the time -
you're a weight-loss nightmare!
You're fatter than her.
Get thee to an optometrist!
You're the only person I know
whose bingo wings have their own postcodes.
(BOTH LAUGH)
'They say in retail that the customer is always right.
'In our case, the customer is always ripe for a slagging.
I hate to have to say this, but...
I can read your lips.
Ooh!
What does that colour say to you?
Discharge?
It's nice...
in a world where nice means slutty, tasteless and inherently vapid.
And that's you, dear, not the dress.
But...
..you would look good in this.
# He said he was giving me a taffeta dress
# That's just what I've always wanted
# And then he said he'd give me more or less
# Of just what I've always wanted
# But you don't give me anything
# And I don't ask you
# Just yourself is good enough
# That's just what I've always wanted
# Just what I've always wanted... #
(HE MOUTHS)
# ..I've got a mink from Paris
# A ring from Rome
# A whole new wardrobe in my home... #
You mean like this?
# ..An Ashworth snap... #
'It seemed that every woman in Reading
'had heard of the dishy instructor at Slosh-A-Cise.
'All the single ladies...'
Shimmy!
'..And the not so single.'
You're facing the wrong way! Oh, Tiger?
Tiger, she's doing it wrong. She needs extra special help.
Coming!Really?!
Oh, sorry!
My hand-eye coordination's cock-a-hoop.
Oh, Tiger?
Tiger!
Me thong's too tight.
I think I'm going to...
..faint.
Slut!
'The women of Reading who hadn't fallenfor Tiger
'were making a beeline to Monsieur Antoine's,
'where we'd transformed the shop from drab to absolutely fab.'
# ..Whoa-oh Just what I've always wanted. #
Sorry, I don't smoke cheap brands.
I'm not being funny, but how's your Simon?
You should know. He goes to your school.
Oh, I only ask cos, you know...
I've been giving him counselling and that.
Counselling?And that.
What for, though? For his depression.
God, if only yous could afford to buy him that water feature.
I think it'd really snap him out of having
that really miserable grid on him all the time.
D'you know what I'm saying?
Debbie? You never told me me Cilla Black came to Slosh-A-Cise!
Miss Black! Loving your work on Surprise, Surprise!
Ta, chuck.
Personally, I'm loving meself off in Blind Date. Trar, girls!
I hate that show and everything it stands for.
It offends me. I find it offensive. I am offended by it.
Go 'way, you're joking!
She look like she's joking?Um...
How many blind contestants have you actually had on the show, eh?Um...
None! That's how many! Now go on, get!
Before I throw a bucket of piss water over you.
I'm not actually Cilla.
Stop lying, Miss Black.
You're really blindist, God!
Sort your water feature out, bitch. Sort your own out.
I don't need to. I've got deckin'.
You want deckin'? I'll show you deckin'!
She reckons he's depressed.
She reckoned Margaret Thatcher put the "Great" into Great Britain.
She also murdered Anyone Who Had A Heart. She ain't all that.
No, it wasn't the real Cilla Black.
Oh, right.Andy, keep up.
Fancy choosing to be a Cilla Black lookalike!
Some people have no shame. No, it was Miss Perrin.
Has she not got enough on her plate
running a 2,000-strong comprehensive school? Jesus!
You're not listening to me.
Of all those '60s icons you'd want to emulate -
Dusty, Lulu, Sandie, Peculiar Clark, Marianne... And she chooses Cilla!
Can we change the subject, please?
You have yet again got the wrong end of the shtick.
You never listen to me properly. In one ear, out the other.
Sorry, did you say something?
If he's depressed, you'll have to speak to him.
You get him the water feature, and I'll cheer him up.
'It would appear that, in families, communication,
'or "having that big talk", often doesn't go according to plan.
Are you enjoying it? Oh, Celia Imrie is to die for!
I know! She's great, isn't she?
Do you think those triplets were really mine, Mrs O?
After all, I did only go into hospital to have my ears pierced.
LAUGHTER ON TV
Simon?Hm?
You know you can tell me anything you want to, don't you?
Like what?You know...
No.Anything.
Think of it as a form of...counselling.
Counselling?
Counselling...and that.
Why would I want to do that?
Maybe I met your counsellor/headmistress
at Slosh-A-Cise the other day,
and maybe she told me what's going on.
Are you deliberately trying to sabotage
my enjoyment of Acorn Antiques, mother?
Oh, Simon, ditch the smiley demeanour.
I know you're clinically depressed.
How d'you work that one out? Cos a mother knows.
Then you must be a little bit stupid, woman.
Don't you dare call me "woman"!
Why, what are you, a pre-operative transsexual?
Stop showing off.Oh, a depressive show-off! There's a first!
Simon, get to your room!
With pleasure!
How did the counselling go? Really well.
Everything OK?
It would appear I've one of those faces
that lends me a melancholic air.
I'm the exact opposite.
When I did Evita, the director kept shouting,
"Stop smiling, Lainey - you're meant to be dying!"
Musical theatre! Such hard work!
You're amazing.
I know. Shall we?
# Enough is enough is enough
# I want him out
# I want him out that door now
# Enough is enough is enough... #
Where are you going? Revising for my mocks
at the Jacqueline Susann Memorial Library.
In a suit belonging to your father?
I'm studying the classics, mother.
I like to be suitably dressed.
I have to go out and meet a young gentilhomme avec tattoos,
'ere, 'ere and...
'ere...
to discuss the finer points of, um...
Artexing.
Can I trust you to look after my high-class boutique
for quinze minutes while I am gone?
Of course, Monsieur Antoine.
Go, girlfriend, Monsieur Antoine.
Allo, allo, Madame. I will leave you in ze more than capable hands
of mes assistants.
Thank you.
(We can't let her know it's us. She'll tell Mum.)
Shop!
How can I help you?
Oh, good, you're a woman.
I was worried that...well, anyway.
I would like to be fitted for a bra, please.
Er...
I believe you offer a measuring service.
Er...This is Monsieur Antoine's, isn't it?
If you'd like to accompany me to the cubicle, Madame?
Jane, can you fetch me the tape measure?
Jane?
Janetta-May? That's more like it.
Shall I just wap 'em out or what?
Oh, don't worry. I'm quite at home with nudity.
I spent three years under canvas at Greenham.
Will that really be necessary?
Not that I'm a lesbian. Not that there's anything wrong with it,
but I've not actually tasted that particular forbidden fruit.
Well, I have been tasted...
or licked.
There were mushrooms involved and a Tracy Chapman mix tape.
Do you know, I still can't hear Fast Car
without coming out in turkey bumps in a very specific area.
I'm sure I could probably tell just by looking.
Oh, it's just I thought you offered a very personal service.
Yes, Maureen-Babette, don't shirk your responsibilities. God!
Right, maybe I should go through to the dressing room, eh?
Is this it?Er...
Hiya, Debbie! All right, Reba? Slut!
Oh, Tiger, I think you know my daughter, Ashlene.
Mm, pregnant women are so... in bloom.
She's no woman. She's about 12.
16, actually, Reba. Same as what you are in stone.
(CHUCKLES)
So, you two going steady, then?
Oh, yeah. And guess what? I've got his ring on me finger.
Ow! Sorry, cheap jewellery does something to my eyes.
Same as tasteless clothes. Ow!
Hey, Debbie, why's your Simon groping Hayley's tits?
Sorry about the nips, ladies.
They go like chapel hat pegs in a breeze!
Hang about! Is that our Kyle an' all?
Ashlene, fetch us a knife.
So I can cut this atmosphere with it.
It's not funny, Andy. Yeah, I know.
It was feckin' hilarious!
Simon was bang out of order.
You tell him, Hayls. A Saturday job. How could you?!
Er, bap gropage, Debbie!
In front of the whole of the Oracle Centre.
All teenage boys experiment. With their own auntie?!
In some remote areas, yes. Anyway, you're not a blood relation.
I think you're in safe hands with them two.
Yeah, I've always said they were a cracking pair.
LAUGHTER
He's a growing lad, Tiger.
Red-blooded male, my son.
Touching up ladies' titties over the road.
Gets it from his dad. He were on the sex offenders' register.
Oh, that's nice.
It's different, in't it?
Kyle never got on with his dad, did you, Kyle?
That makes me sad. I could weep.
Don't.Hey, maybe...
Just maybe, you might start calling me Dad, eh?
SHE WHIMPERS
# No matter what they tell us
# No matter what they do... #
My sister had caught the eye of the Tiger,
and while he was making the garden...moist,
Kylie and I were contemplating the mystery of the female form.
Oh, gross!I know.
Don't you just hate breasts?
No, I just find them...
slightly redundant.
Well, to make it more palatable,
I've drawn the heads of minor celebrities on them
and painted in some leisure wear.
Who's that?Princess Anne.
One day, we're going to move somewhere where grown-ups don't give
14-year-old boys pornography.
London, Paris...
Addis Ababa?
Anywhere,
where the beautiful people are fully clothed, thank you very much.
KNOCKING
Anyone want a protein shake?
All the celebrities drink them.Mm!
Tiger, if you wanted to make some quick money, what would you do?
Sell a kidney. Or failing that, I'd bring out my own exercise video.
They're selling like hot cakes at the moment.
Anyway...I'm going out for my evening run.
Ciao, guys.
# Fish got to swim
# Birds got to fly
# I gotta love one man till I die
# Can't help
# Lovin' that man of mine... #
SIGHING
Argh! CRASH!
# Tell me he's lazy... #
WOLF WHISTLE
# Tell me he's slow
# Tell me I'm crazy
# Maybe I know
# Can't help
# Lovin' that man
# Of mine. #
And the next move is called "spin around and be fabulous".
Call that fabulous?
This...
..is fabulous.
We approached our fitness video
as if we were making an Oscar-winning movie.
More is more, girlfriend.
Slap it on, bitch!
And of course, every movie has to have its glittering premiere.
But who said this business we called "show" was ever straightforward?
God, my nose looks really big!
Squeeze, squeeze...
From some angles, I look ever so slightly camp.
Nonsense, darling!
How many takes did we do on this shot?
We were well and truly visiting...
BOTH: Retake City!
Oh, my God, you're dirty.
I don't remember this.What is it?
Oh, you are much better shag than Reba, and she is dead dirty.
Oh...!
How dare you ruin my fitness video, how dare you?!
Shut up, Simon!You!
Reba!
How many times?
Put her down!
How fuckin' dare you?!
I'm a pacifist, man. So am I.
Will someone please explain to me what's going on?
Our movie premiere has been ruined, Auntie Hayley,
that's what's going on.
PANTING
I'm having a panic attack, I'm having a panic attack!
She's pregnant!
That didn't stop her shagging my fellow, did it?
Take it up with him. Dirty little scrubber!
I know I weren't pregnant at 16. What, once you'd had ten abortions?
Mother, watch what you're doing! Where d'you think you're going?
I got Slosh-A-Cise at seven.
This is your bloody mess!
I can't help it if the chicks go mad for me.
SCREAMING
Argh!
I think I might actually be suffocating you.
Simon, stop showing off, please, and get up.
There's good news and bad news.
The bad news, our daughter has slept with the neighbour's boyfriend.
Nobody's perfect. And the good news is...
Ta-da! We now have a water feature!
And, my, what a stunner she was!
Japanese tourists came from miles around to gaze upon her beauty.
Even the Virgin Mary herself came and blessed it.
I bless this water feature with my magical, Our Lady-ish powers.
Or maybe not.
But I was happy.
I mean, the water was off in our street for the best part of a week,
but I was finally smiling.
Dude, a simple yes or no would have done.
Oh, right.
But, guess what...
Simon...
Congratulations.
You got the job.
# Don't let them go
# Take a beautiful dream And let it show
# Don't let them go
# Take a beautiful dream